Sleep.
Saturday, October 27, 2012 at 7:05AM I broke last night. Somewhere around 8pm. That kind of 'break' where you are filled with so much emotion, that the only outlet is to simply cry. A big heaving, hard-to-catch-a-breath cry. I gave Ryder to Chris, went into the shower, had a massive cry and tried to wash away all the frustration and annoyance I was feeling. And just as I pulled myself together, regained some composure and was about to head downstairs to attend to the sleepless baby..... the four year old appears from her room. "I can't sleep Mummy. My tummy is sore!" Great! Just Great!
And I became that Mother that I don't like being. The Mother who I try to never be {or at the least...very rarely}. I snapped. Roused at her. Put the weight of the world on her shoulders by telling her that I was exhausted and annoyed and needed a break. I took her back to bed, sat with her for a few minutes; a ball of emotions boiling inside me; fury mixed with exhaustion mixed with guilt.
She fell asleep quickly. Thank god. Now to attend to the baby.
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Earlier that evening, I could feel the hope that Friday's bring. Friday nights are always worth celebrating whether you're a fulltime worker or a fulltime parent. I try to start the weekend off grandly each week. We usually do something a little special at the 3pm Kindy pickup - a play at the park, a milkshake date, a catch up with a friend, a swim in the pool, a nature walk - just something that says "Yeah, the weekend is here. Let's unwind!"
I bought a bottle of red and a sneaky bottle of champers. Cooked a fairly easy yet nutritious dinner, and had everything and everyone cleaned by 6pm. A pop over to the neighbours to say Hi and Happy Birthday and then home to slow down, quieten and get the kids into bed.
Even though I don't 'go to a workplace', I still get that thank-god-its-Friday feel each week. I naively envision our Friday evenings looking slow and warm. Maybe some writing, maybe some TV. A few drinks, adult conversation just Chris & I and music...always music. I say 'naively' because who am I kidding? We have two youngens. One which is currently going through a SHOCKING sleep stage. Yes, teething is the driving force here....but still frustrating and tiring.
6:40pm - Ryder asleep and tucked up in his cot. TICK! Kitchen cleaned, house tidy. TICK! Lights dimmed, Friday evening joy creeping in. TICK!
7:20pm - Ella in bed after a long busy week. Books read, song sung, smothered in kisses and love. TICK!
7:40pm - Champers opened, strawberries cut. Time to sit, relax and just BE!
7:42pm - Ryder wakes screaming, and refusing to go back to sleep.
Cue breakdown cry from Mumma.
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I know this whine probably sounds ungrateful and ignorant. And will fall onto deaf ears for some. I try not to complain much - this blog is usually a positive place to be. My journal of gratitude and happy moments. There are Mothers out there who would do anything to have a sleepless child. Mothers who have lost a child, women who are trying to conceive & can't, single girls aching to be a mother. I know. And I hate how whiney & ungrateful this post sounds, but I've got to get it out.
And I am very aware of the beautiful life I live. I never take that for granted. I have an abundance of good things and good people around me. I'm lucky. I love being a Mother. More than anything. I do.
But, sometimes, the lack of sleep and the lack of 'me-time' gets to this weary Mumma. I don't get a break. I always have a child or children attached to me. When I shower, when I drive, when I shop, when I eat, when I wee, when I sleep, when I work and.....even when it's Friday night and all I want to do is sit and breathe.
I know, like everything in life and in parenting, it's a stage. It will pass. One day my kids will be grown and I'll probably yearn for these nights of prolonged cuddling and rocking and crying. But last night, last night...I just wanted a break. Just an hour or 2, would've been welcomed.
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I sculled my champagne and did not enjoy it one bit. Ryder finally passed out around 9:20pm and I too went to bed feeling completely deflated and wiped out.
An hour later, he woke, screaming....and the night continued like that!!!!!
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I messaged back and forth with my friend Kirsty who is going through a similar sleep-deprived state. Thank goodness for friends who know EXACTLY what it's like and can simply understand without judgement or thought, how contradicting motherhood can be - so blissful yet so torturous.
Today is a new day, and we'll roll with the punches and get on with it.
One day sleep will return. Surely. I'm hanging on to that thought!
Print available in my store.
Are you a Mother who can relate?
Thanks for listening as I vent. Rant over :)
P.S. Quite a few of you lovely readers have asked me in comments or emails, why we haven't implemented a controlled crying program with our sleepless children/babies. I love hearing from you, with your ideas and stories of success, I do. We are not anti-crying methods, in fact, I take my hat off to parents who have a plan - stick with it - and get sleep as a result. But, Chris and I, as a team, are no good at the crying methods. I hit a breaking point with Ella's sleep at around this age of Ryder, and after reading every 'get your baby to sleep' book I was set on a doing a 'cry it out' plan. 3 minutes into it, something terrible happened, she ended up in hospital. Never again! So, until Ryder is old enough {only took Ella 4 yrs....haaaa} to sleep better....and on his own. We have to accept that lack of sleep is a part of our lives. Until then, please just let me whinge and cry. I try not to do it too often :) HAAA!
