That time I paid $400 to be told I was a bad parent...

During 2009, our safe little world of parenthood and simplicity went a little haywire. It truly was a roller coaster of a year!

I returned to work around Ella's first birthday and for a while; I coped quite well with the balancing act of working on little to no sleep.

But around mid-year, I hit rock-bottom. And it wasn't just Ella's sleep {or lack of} that was killing me - it was a multitude of dramas surrounding us. But being a Mother - I wanted to FIX everything. I wanted everyone happy and I wanted a life of calm!

Around the 16month mark - I started to look for answers as to why Ella was the way she was. She wasn't sleeping, she was hardly eating, she cried {a lot}, she got sick regularly and she was basically...hard work. Being a first time parent, I insisted this needed to be urgently changed before more bad habits were created {yes, I was bombarding my brain with 'baby book information' on how babies should act at that age} On top of all this worry and chaos in our life, I was filled with guilt and angst about how Ella's world had been rocked from the other life-changing factors in our home.

I cried to Chris {many times}. He had  more of a "she's ok, it's just how she is right now, it's a stage, it'll change soon" attitude. But I just couldn't think like that. I wanted to. But I was tired and emotional and worried. Why wasn't our almost 2 year old sleeping through the night? Why was her separation anxiety soooo bad? Why does she sook ALL.THE.TIME? Why won't she eat anything that's not warm milk in a bottle? Why is she sick AGAIN?

The questions. Oh, the questions. They ate away at me.

So I seeked help. I booked us in {on a large waiting list of course} to see a 'well-known' Paediatrician on the coast. I knew the appointment was going to cost near $400. Four hundred dollars we didn't have at the time. But I was sure there was something medically wrong with her. I was sure if a professional looked at her, he'd be able to help!

Months on {by now Ella was around 18months old}.....we got the call that our name had reached a booking slot on the list. So, Chris, Ella and I headed on down to meet this 'special children's Doctor'.

We waited patiently in the holding room, reading Ella books and cuddling her close - like all doting parents do. Then the Doctor appeared at the door and called us in. I scooped up the bags, whilst Chris scooped up our little one and we started to head in. "No" said the Doctor abruptly. "She can walk, can't she? She doesn't need you carrying her! Put her down and let her walk in herself!" Chris obliged. And already I sensed the tension this meeting was going to bring. 

Within minutes of the appointment starting - he had already explained that we were fostering her anxiety by carrying her and holding her. He told us that we spoilt her with too much love and attention, and this was obvious from the second he met us. He told us we were setting ourselves up for failure by letting her routines dictate our days & plans. He said we were hindering her emotional development by not letting her cry to sleep and by the guilt I was feeling towards her being in care while I returned to work. He said Ella was feeding completely off of our stress. He enforced that she was 100% healthy {he didn't even touch her or examine her!} and that all of these 'issues' were our own doing. In a nutshell....he made us feel like big FAT failures. We paid our $380 {which Chris almost refused...since the appointment felt like a huge waste!} and left with our fussy, spoilt 18month old and our tails between our legs.

Back in the car, Chris said "Well that was crap. What a waste of time and money! He was a dickhead! Why did we even come?" And I just sat there crying. Feeling like a complete failure of a Mother. Blaming myself for everything.

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Over the next few days and weeks, as I shared our 'terrible Paediatrician appointment' story with friends and family - I started to shift my thinking. A few words of encouragement and reinforced positive comments made me realise, that actually NO, .....he was wrong with a lot of the things he dumped on us. I'm not a bad mother! In fact...EVERYTHING I do is with the best intentions. She is my world and if loving her fiercely with all of my being is ruining her - them yep, I'll accept it - I am guilty!! Coz I did love her  - physically, emotionally and spiritually. And she knew that. Actually.....All she knew was LOVE!

Maybe he was right with some of the things he said. And I took on board some of those comments. But a lot of it was garbage. And now landing on deaf ears to me. I finally let it roll off my back....

However, I still felt there was something not quite right {medically} and went to the local GP. I explained that we had taken Ella to a Paediatrician in hope to get some tests for sleep apnea or diabetes etc, and that he had refused, saying it was all emotional related, not medical.

The GP rolled his eyes. And within 30minutes we were getting a blood test done. It was a horrific but quick experience for a toddler and her Mama, but I was kind of relieved that someone had finally listened and was taking steps to help source some answers.

Sure enough, a few days later, we got the blood test results - which revealed that Ella was dangerously anemic. Her iron levels were so incredibly low. Her body was not absorbing or using iron efficiently.

A prescription of iron liquid was given and within weeks of her taking it each day - she was calmer, sleeping better, regaining an appetite, putting on weight, not getting sick all the time and overall - MUCH happier! She had more energy and was able to use it to play positively....instead of walking around whining, exhausted. It was almost like she was a different kid! Happiness and calm started to creep in. Parenting felt almost easy..... :)

The lesson here?! Follow your parental instinct! If you think something's not right - get answers. Oh, and don't pay almost $400 to be told you're a crappy parent - it does NOTHING for your confidence :)

Months on, Ella turned two.

I had read all about the 'terrible twos' and worried what 2010 would bring. Every now and then the Paediatrician's words would sneak back into my head and I worried what Ella being two would bring! But do you know what? Ella being two was all kinds of delightful. She was happy {pretty much ALL THE TIME}, she slept ok {not great....but hey, that's her!}, she ate well & she was beyond all milestones. She filled our lives with pure, unconditional love. She was easy to take out in public, she was easy to toilet train, she had a love for life and living well. To us, she was perfect! 2010 was an AWESOME year, and each proceeding year with Ella has been nothing but love-filled and beautiful. She's such a sweet, gorgeous soul.

And it almost feels like I'm writing about another child when I refer back to her as a baby because that highly-strung, needy, unsettled infant is now the most balanced and joyous child I know.

Although that Paediatrician was 'doing his job', I'd like to take Ella to him now and show him that spoiling a child with love and attention & being there for them always, isn't necessarily a bad thing! {And I wouldn't mind having my $400 back! lol}

Oh miss Ella Bella. We love you! x

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And now we have 18month old Ryder. Who doesn't sleep well. Who fusses a lot and is highly-strung. He throws a mean tantrum and clings to his Mum and Dad for dear life. But do you know what? I am not the slightest bit worried! He's perfectly HIM and we wouldn't have it any other way!

Like everything in life.....this too shall pass!

Yesterday....

Yesterday, was a special day.

We did something that we rarely do, something that would normally make me feel guilty, something that was VERY MUCH needed right now.

Ella went to one set of Grandparents for a couple of days, and I dropped Ryder at the other Grandparent's house for the whole of the day.

Chris and I had a day 'off'......all to ourselves!

We cruised around in his car, just the two of us - like the old days, but now with a few more wrinkles, responsibilities and bagged eyes. We laughed and chatted. We had massages {which hurt like hell - my back was a mess of tension knots and nerve pains} and I indulged in a mani/pedi session too. We dined slowly at a restaurant for lunch and simply enjoyed taking our time. We came home to a silent house and relaxed. It was BLISS. Pure bliss. 

Normally, I'd feel guilty to do this --> to be child-free and spend the whole day indulging. But this time, I did not let myself feel this way! Who would've thought?! These emotions can be controlled?!

Lately, I've been feeling so exhausted - mentally drained.....and I'm now realising it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to raise the red flag every now and then, and it's ok to have the odd day off from parenting and work and home-life.

I picked Ryder up from my parent's house after his dinner and bath, and basked in the refreshing mindset that a simple 'day off' had given me.

A perfect day! And I'm feeling VERY grateful to 'Grandparents' right now.

Have a good Tuesday All.

Weekend Wonder {11}

One Weekend Wonder - {a weekly link-up} - a special moment or experience captured during the weekend. One you want to cherish.

This weekend we broke away from the 'usual routine' and enjoyed some alone time and some couple time.

On Friday night, I went out to a social event; without a child or husband by my side - it was the first time I had done this in well over a year!! It was much needed. Very overdue in fact.

I headed into the city for dinner and drinks with the girls - a little send off to our dear Tiffany {who is headed overseas for the next 2 months} I cranked the music in the car and drove with a clear mind and an enjoyable peace. I got to truly relax and chat and laugh. I was able to have adult conversation without the observant ears of a 4 yr old around, and I got to take my time. I stayed out til after 1am, because I was loving the 'me time' immensely and was making the most of it with my friends.

Although I then only had about 3 hours {broken} sleep by the time the kids were ready to kick-off Saturday morning; I still felt revived and recharged. I felt grateful for what I had, what was waiting for me at home and what my life entails. One simple night out re-ignited my 'Mummy batteries'. I think I need to get into a routine of taking this time for myself more often, like I used to - a coffee with a friend here, a movie date there, dinner with the girls, even a solo trip out every now and then. I was amazed how calm and happy I felt on Saturday. And after taking Ella to dancing, I even indulged in an hour afternoon nap with Ryder. Pure bliss! The weather was stormy and dark - the rain was falling on our tin roof and the wind was tapping at our windows softly - perfect napping weather.

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Today, very last minute - Chris & I organised to drop the kids at his parent's house while we went on a movie date. Again, something we never do. But something so simple that can equal to so much. Time together - just the two of us. A chance to walk hand in hand, carry one small handbag instead of a pram and a million bags of 'stuff', and only think for ourselves. A chance to converse and breathe.

We saw Twilight - Breaking Dawn Part 2. It's no secret that I am a big Twi-hard.  I was dying to see this as soon as it was released last week. It was awesome! True to the book....but with a brilliant twist at the end that had me on the edge of my seat!!!!! LOVED IT!

Tonight we got takeaway Indian, and let the kids stay up later than normal.

And right now....a glass of red is calling me, Chris has the music on and the dreary stormy weather has calmed. I'm off to enjoy it :)

Do you ever find a break from the 'norm' is EXACTLY what you needed? And have you ever not realised how badly you needed a break {from parenting, routine, chores, life} until you took it?

I'm ready to tackle the week. Although I'm feeling sleepy, I'm also feeling in a much happier place than I did a week ago - and I honestly think it was because of two decisions this weekend to break away from our usual weekending :)

Happy week all :)

IF you blogged about your weekend, please feel free to link up here:

On the town.

Last night, I got to wear heels & my hair down {with no little baby fingers yanking it out}. I got to have uninterrupted adult conversation with Chris. I had an excuse to dig out my Louis Vuitton handbag, and not cram it with nappies & wipes & snacks & spare clothes. We were child-free. So we hit the town!

We headed into Brisbane City {Brunswick Valley actually} to watch a live band & enjoy a hotel meal. Chris's personal trainer's girlfriend was playing her first live gig with her band & we wanted to be there to support her.

They totally rocked.

You couldn't tell it was their first live gig as a band. They were professional & fun & confident. They played all original stuff, and I liked it. A lot.

You can check them out on YouTube here. - Bamford Cook.

And as much as I love being a Mum, and spending pretty much 24/7 with my 2 littlies, I also love a night off.....a night out. It's refreshing & definitely needed every now & then.

I love heading into the City. I rarely do, so I guess that's what is so appealing about it. Last night as we drove through the traffic & lights, and weaved through the high-rises & busy stores, I got really inspired. I wanted to jump out & start taking photos. Everything looked so bright & fancy & beautiful. I really see things in a different way, now that I'm getting older. I appreciate things more.

Chris wasn't as excited as me; to be in the city. He'd been in there 2 times already that day for business meetings :) But, for me, these days; who rarely heads into the big smoke - it was awesome!

And on returning home, I snuggled with my jammied snoozing babies and gently sunk back into our lifestyle as parents.

Balance is needed. Balance is good.

{Thank you to my gorgeous mother-in-law for watching our babies last night}

Do you find a 'night off' from routine & parenting refreshing? It's amazing how relaxed I feel this morning from just a few child-free hours with my number 1 man :)

Happy Wednesday All.

6 Pictures.

Eden prompted the bloggy world to share some of their favourite photos from the week! Yah, this Mumma couldn't resist.....coz between my 2 cameras plus my iPhone....I take A LOT of photos!

Here's just a very few from this past week.....

I had Ella's first 'parent / teacher' interview this week. Her Kindy teacher is all kinds of lovely & we're happy with how things are traveling. In a nutshell....we're super proud of our girl. She's rockin' this Kindy gig :) I took a quick photo of 'Our Family' that she drew! Haaa....love the Rapunzel hair....and her commentary the teacher has written :) {not quite sure why I'm bald....again! lol}

Mr Ryder has been CRANKY this week! I love him dearly and think he's all kinds of scrumptious flavours......but gosh I wish the boy would sleep more! Piddly 20minute sleeps during the day & still waking approximately 4 million times per night.....c'mon! Don't know if it's teething, growth spurt, or just him being him.....but I really think if he napped just a bit longer than 20minutes at a time.....he'd probably be a lot happier for it....and so would I....just sayin'. Hoping our content little man returns sooooon.

I actually really like this photo of Ella & I. Maybe coz my sunnies hide the bags under my eyes haaa!

Last Sunday, Ella & I headed to her Kindy for 'Family Day'. We had planned to go as a 'family'....all four of us, but Chris offered to stay home with Mr Cranky-Pants {refer to above comment}, to give this Mumma a break. Thank you Chris.....THANK YOU!! Love you xxx And I enjoyed a few hours out with my little lady. It was actually kind of fun...even though we had to wear dorky name tags & I had 2 four year olds ask me where my hat was...coz the rule is "No Hat, No Play!" Eeeekkksss....I didn't know there was going to be hat monitors there. Bad Mummy!! :)

The fire brigade were there. Ella was a little shy at first about the whole hose experience....but once she saw her friend Leilah do it....she was keen :)

So there....a few quickie snap shots from the week :)

How has your week been? Ready for a new one?

Happy Sunday All x

A new type of normal

Ryder is 4 months old now. To be honest, it seems so long ago that he entered the world, yet at the same time, it just feels like yesterday that I was pinching myself in accepting that I was now a Mother of two.

Nibbles the Rabbit. My 2 loves at play.

Time truly is flying by way too quickly. It's actually starting to scare me how fast my kids are growing. And I have this fear of growing old with regrets of missing milestones & treasured moments with them because I wasn't paying attention or giving them my all. I consciously try to be present in moments with my kids, and like most parents, I try to cherish & remember as much as possible....the way her smile slopes to one side like her Mumma's, the way his little fingers curl so tightly around mine that pliers are almost needed to part us, and the way they smile when they look into each other's eyes - a new brother & sister team.....but, also like most parents, I'm busy & distracted & trying my darn hardest to balance it all. To be all. To be there. To be my very best.

I guess I hoped that once we were moved in & settled to the new house, that life would also settle. But in honesty....it hasn't. And I don't think it ever really will. Not in our 'normal way' that is. We're happy and together and having fun, which I guess is what matters most.....but the days are whizzing by coz they're filled with chores, appointments, having a newborn, having a busy 4 year old, running businesses, doing errands.....you know; all those 'grown up' things that we look so forward to doing when 'we grow up', but then when we do grow up, we wish we could be the kids again, coz this parent gig....is kind-a hard!

I have been feeling a little discomposed & frazzled lately and I couldn't put my finger on exactly why I felt this way. Today, it hit me.....I had envisioned this year off with Ryder {my year on Maternity Leave..... being a full-time stay-at-home Mum} to look a certain way. Similar to the way it was when I had a year off with Ella as a newborn. But that picturesque vision in my mind was quite frankly a naive, impossible expectation to even consider. It can't be the same....it WON'T be the same. And, now I realise.... that's ok!

It's all muscles Ladies :)

Coz, our 'normal' isn't about meeting the needs of one child. My days can't be filled with hours of lazing on lounge room floors or browsing malls a few days a week or sprawling out on quilts in the shade of the park whilst reading magazines as baby naps beside me. Coz we have 2 now. Two which have completely different needs & time-filling requirements, and sometimes balancing all of those needs is bloody hard.....yet do-able. It's what being a parent is! And although I always bite off more than I can chew, and choose to juggle way too many balls. I need to remember that it's ok to drop some balls every now & then. It's ok not to be perfect to everyone, at the one time. It's ok to just be ME, to be happy, to be kind to myself too! 

I like this 'stay-at-home-Mum' job! It's where I feel empowered & in control & relaxed. And although some days I'm a frazzled mess and we get to 5pm to realise that I haven't quite fulfilled my roles successfully of a stay-at-home-Mumma that day, coz the dinner ain't ready, the washing is still wet in the machine, the kids are in desperate need of baths....and food, and dang! we're out of toilet paper & milk.....but hey, I'm trying my best here & like everyone.....in any role.....we have our days....our faults.....our moments!

But for all the times, I do do it well, and our house runs smoothly, I can give myself a little enthusiastic fist pump {yes, I'm sad I know!}.....coz I learnt from the crappy days & managed to juggle a fair load that day!

And, although it's hard to get out the door nowadays without hours or preparations & nappy bag packing {ok, maybe not hours......but gone are the days of last minute "hey, let's go on a road-trip to the beach, ....like....now!"} I'm getting a little better at adjusting to this balancing act & where each day takes us. I look forward to being able to do more, see more & experience more with my kids as they get older.....but for now, I'm feeling good with learning our new type of normal.

Yeah, I don't sleep much & I'm LOUD! Lucky I'm cute, coz my Mum thinks I rock :)

And to the parents out there with more than 2 kids......you rock, seriously! Fist pump to you :)

::::::::The MESSAGE TO TEENAGE ME photo project ends soon::::::::::

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Goodnight!