That time I paid $400 to be told I was a bad parent...

During 2009, our safe little world of parenthood and simplicity went a little haywire. It truly was a roller coaster of a year!

I returned to work around Ella's first birthday and for a while; I coped quite well with the balancing act of working on little to no sleep.

But around mid-year, I hit rock-bottom. And it wasn't just Ella's sleep {or lack of} that was killing me - it was a multitude of dramas surrounding us. But being a Mother - I wanted to FIX everything. I wanted everyone happy and I wanted a life of calm!

Around the 16month mark - I started to look for answers as to why Ella was the way she was. She wasn't sleeping, she was hardly eating, she cried {a lot}, she got sick regularly and she was basically...hard work. Being a first time parent, I insisted this needed to be urgently changed before more bad habits were created {yes, I was bombarding my brain with 'baby book information' on how babies should act at that age} On top of all this worry and chaos in our life, I was filled with guilt and angst about how Ella's world had been rocked from the other life-changing factors in our home.

I cried to Chris {many times}. He had  more of a "she's ok, it's just how she is right now, it's a stage, it'll change soon" attitude. But I just couldn't think like that. I wanted to. But I was tired and emotional and worried. Why wasn't our almost 2 year old sleeping through the night? Why was her separation anxiety soooo bad? Why does she sook ALL.THE.TIME? Why won't she eat anything that's not warm milk in a bottle? Why is she sick AGAIN?

The questions. Oh, the questions. They ate away at me.

So I seeked help. I booked us in {on a large waiting list of course} to see a 'well-known' Paediatrician on the coast. I knew the appointment was going to cost near $400. Four hundred dollars we didn't have at the time. But I was sure there was something medically wrong with her. I was sure if a professional looked at her, he'd be able to help!

Months on {by now Ella was around 18months old}.....we got the call that our name had reached a booking slot on the list. So, Chris, Ella and I headed on down to meet this 'special children's Doctor'.

We waited patiently in the holding room, reading Ella books and cuddling her close - like all doting parents do. Then the Doctor appeared at the door and called us in. I scooped up the bags, whilst Chris scooped up our little one and we started to head in. "No" said the Doctor abruptly. "She can walk, can't she? She doesn't need you carrying her! Put her down and let her walk in herself!" Chris obliged. And already I sensed the tension this meeting was going to bring. 

Within minutes of the appointment starting - he had already explained that we were fostering her anxiety by carrying her and holding her. He told us that we spoilt her with too much love and attention, and this was obvious from the second he met us. He told us we were setting ourselves up for failure by letting her routines dictate our days & plans. He said we were hindering her emotional development by not letting her cry to sleep and by the guilt I was feeling towards her being in care while I returned to work. He said Ella was feeding completely off of our stress. He enforced that she was 100% healthy {he didn't even touch her or examine her!} and that all of these 'issues' were our own doing. In a nutshell....he made us feel like big FAT failures. We paid our $380 {which Chris almost refused...since the appointment felt like a huge waste!} and left with our fussy, spoilt 18month old and our tails between our legs.

Back in the car, Chris said "Well that was crap. What a waste of time and money! He was a dickhead! Why did we even come?" And I just sat there crying. Feeling like a complete failure of a Mother. Blaming myself for everything.

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Over the next few days and weeks, as I shared our 'terrible Paediatrician appointment' story with friends and family - I started to shift my thinking. A few words of encouragement and reinforced positive comments made me realise, that actually NO, .....he was wrong with a lot of the things he dumped on us. I'm not a bad mother! In fact...EVERYTHING I do is with the best intentions. She is my world and if loving her fiercely with all of my being is ruining her - them yep, I'll accept it - I am guilty!! Coz I did love her  - physically, emotionally and spiritually. And she knew that. Actually.....All she knew was LOVE!

Maybe he was right with some of the things he said. And I took on board some of those comments. But a lot of it was garbage. And now landing on deaf ears to me. I finally let it roll off my back....

However, I still felt there was something not quite right {medically} and went to the local GP. I explained that we had taken Ella to a Paediatrician in hope to get some tests for sleep apnea or diabetes etc, and that he had refused, saying it was all emotional related, not medical.

The GP rolled his eyes. And within 30minutes we were getting a blood test done. It was a horrific but quick experience for a toddler and her Mama, but I was kind of relieved that someone had finally listened and was taking steps to help source some answers.

Sure enough, a few days later, we got the blood test results - which revealed that Ella was dangerously anemic. Her iron levels were so incredibly low. Her body was not absorbing or using iron efficiently.

A prescription of iron liquid was given and within weeks of her taking it each day - she was calmer, sleeping better, regaining an appetite, putting on weight, not getting sick all the time and overall - MUCH happier! She had more energy and was able to use it to play positively....instead of walking around whining, exhausted. It was almost like she was a different kid! Happiness and calm started to creep in. Parenting felt almost easy..... :)

The lesson here?! Follow your parental instinct! If you think something's not right - get answers. Oh, and don't pay almost $400 to be told you're a crappy parent - it does NOTHING for your confidence :)

Months on, Ella turned two.

I had read all about the 'terrible twos' and worried what 2010 would bring. Every now and then the Paediatrician's words would sneak back into my head and I worried what Ella being two would bring! But do you know what? Ella being two was all kinds of delightful. She was happy {pretty much ALL THE TIME}, she slept ok {not great....but hey, that's her!}, she ate well & she was beyond all milestones. She filled our lives with pure, unconditional love. She was easy to take out in public, she was easy to toilet train, she had a love for life and living well. To us, she was perfect! 2010 was an AWESOME year, and each proceeding year with Ella has been nothing but love-filled and beautiful. She's such a sweet, gorgeous soul.

And it almost feels like I'm writing about another child when I refer back to her as a baby because that highly-strung, needy, unsettled infant is now the most balanced and joyous child I know.

Although that Paediatrician was 'doing his job', I'd like to take Ella to him now and show him that spoiling a child with love and attention & being there for them always, isn't necessarily a bad thing! {And I wouldn't mind having my $400 back! lol}

Oh miss Ella Bella. We love you! x

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And now we have 18month old Ryder. Who doesn't sleep well. Who fusses a lot and is highly-strung. He throws a mean tantrum and clings to his Mum and Dad for dear life. But do you know what? I am not the slightest bit worried! He's perfectly HIM and we wouldn't have it any other way!

Like everything in life.....this too shall pass!

Eighteen Months.

Today, Ryder is officially one and a half years old. The big 18 months!

I remember in those early days, when he was tiny and sleepy and full of newborn deliciousness, and thinking about him at one, or one and a half, or two. And how those ages just felt sooooo far down the path that I just couldn't imagine him being a walking, talking, moving toddler. The baby-stage feels so slow at the time, but so incredibly fast in hindsight. In just six short months, we'll be celebrating his second birthday. That blows my mind. Coz in so many ways - it just feels like he was born a couple of months ago.

He's now 18months old, and I have trouble grasping the fact that by the next time I blink he'll be two, then three and then off to Kindy! As they say - time flies when you're having fun!

But, right now.....he's 18months. And the right now is what I'm choosing to savour.....

Because 18 months is pretty amazing....

Ryder is everything I ever dreamed a son would be. Plus some.

He's active and busy and strong. He's fast and loud and dirty.

He whines, he cries, he screams and he throws a pretty good tantrum. But he also smiles a smile that lights up the whole world. He gives the best open-mouth, sloppy kisses and his giggles brighten our days, like sunshine. He wraps his arms around me each night as I carry him from the bath to his bedroom and that just may be one of my favourite parts of each and everyday! And some nights when I'm laying with him, waiting for him to succumb to sleep, he grabs my wrist and places it around his waist - showing that he still, more than ever, needs his Mama close.

The other afternoon as we were walking into Ella's school for pickup time, he pointed at a baby in a pram and said "Bab". I responded with the usual "Yes, there's a little baby!" And it was then that it hit me - he's no longer 'the baby'. He's old enough to point out other babies and state exactly what they are.

We're here - at the walking, talking, moving stage. We're well into the brunt of toddlerhood.

I've started taking Ryder to a KindyGym program once a week. It's basically a chance for him to mingle with other kids his age and develop his skills {including listening to other adults and following instructions} all whilst I'm there by his side, guiding him along.

It's such a beautiful time together. Climbing, exploring, singing, playing, imagining, dancing and learning. 

He's clumsy and fast, and a daredevil at heart. He seems to be constantly sporting an egg on the head or a bruised forehead these days. He stumbles and trips and falls. But still dives at life with an adventurous spirit and not a care in the world.

His Daddy is his whole world. Having Chris work from home is both great and challenging - as Ryder just wants to be with his Daddy all.the.time. He just wants to chill out with Chris in the office, or dragging him out to the yard, or sitting on his lap on the couch with a book and a truck.

Like most second children, his skills are amazing. He tries to be like his big sister, therefore is doing things well beyond his age. He understands well and processes information far more deeper than I think our firstborn was at this age.

Sometimes I put music on - just to watch his reaction. It doesn't really matter what song it is, he'll stop in his tracks and bust-a-move. He claps at the end of songs and requests "more more".

Eighteen months is tiring and non-stop. Some days are harder than others. Some days are just pure fun. 

Eighteen months is all about learning and challenging and growing. It's all about pushing boundaries and taking risks. Making mistakes and trying again. It's all about finding our way - creating our own groove.

Oh Rydie-Roo, we're so lucky to have you. You big scrumptious eighteen month old.

Today.

Today, we woke early, but it felt good. I passed out at 7:30pm last night putting Ryder to bed. I woke in a panic at 8:30pm; to discover Chris had put Ella to bed, and all was right with the world :) I was exhausted though....and fell asleep a few minutes later on the couch, until Chris dragged me upstairs at 10pm.

As explained by my specialist, my immune system is working overtime in attempt to fight off a disease - a disease it is unable to fight off alone! Therefore, mixed with general life, adulthood, sleep deprivation, parenthood and working while being a stay-at-home-Mumma - I'm tired.

But I'm getting better at listening to my body. I'm not ignoring the symptoms or warning signs anymore. I'm succumbing to rest much easier now, and not feeling so guilty about it. This means, blog posts aren't daily and writing jobs are sometimes delayed by a day {or several}. It means my linen cupboard isn't organised and the gardens need a serious weeding. But hey, I'm keeping on top of the most important things - my health, my sanity, and my family.

Today, was ANZAC day. A Thursday which felt more like a Sunday.

We lazed all morning in pj's and bed-hair. And baked Anzac Cookies, of course...

Best enjoyed still warm, with a side of cold milk...

Then after Ryder had a nap, and we were showered and presentable to the outside world....

We headed out, the four of us. Lunch at the Coffee Club followed by a wine top-up at Dan Murphy's.

Next year we'll head into the city and watch my Dad march in the parade. But this year, with a toddler {who has an ear infection.....ugh} and a big, emotional day ahead of us tomorrow....we didn't stray too far today.

The local park called......a perfect sunset play was to be had....

Park trips seem to be an almost daily ritual for us. It's always the perfect way to burn off energy, get some fresh air....and have some fun!

Tonight has been quiet. A home cooked dinner, a few glasses of red wine {I'm gorging a little before my fasting begins at midnight} and listening to Ella pump out her home-reader book like an old pro. Followed by some writing. I've been writing A LOT lately - biography paragraphs, reviews, emails, informative articles, interview questions, more emails, media releases, learning activities, dedication pieces, more emails etc etc. But tonight, this writing - blog post writing, felt good. Felt easy.

I head to hospital tomorrow morning to undergo surgery. And then it's time to look up, and move on...

And as I sign off for the night, I'll leave you with this YouTube clip. Written and performed by my inspirational Father. A man of many talents.

To the ANZACS....or really for anyone lost, fought, sacrificed or survived in any form of war...

End of School Holidays.

The Autumn School Holidays are almost over. Monday will see school resume and routine restored.

The past two weeks has been lovely. Yes, that big fat elephant has been in the room all the time, but more importantly - we've had our girl home fulltime. We've managed to cram a lot into this past 2 weeks. No vacation trips away or extravagant adventures. But plenty of friends, and family and simple days of joy....

These past two weeks contained:

10 trips to the park, 3 indoor playgrounds, 1 Mummy/Daughter date, 1 trip to the cinemas, 1 family day-road-trip, 1 full carload of loud hypo kids, 3 morning craft sessions, 1 trip to the library, countless hot chips, 4 picnics, 1 day at the Rock Pools, 7 playdates, 1 tea-house-mountain-drive, numerous coffees, 5 trips to a Doctor or specialist, 2 packets of 'espresso' brown hair dye {goodbye blonde....you lasted a month!!}, zillions of books read and examined, 1 drawn-on wall, 2 eggs on the head {Ryder}, 1 severe injury {Chris}, many litres of rain, 2 beach trips, 14 'goodnight moon - driveway' sessions, 5 new pimples on my chin {easter egg overdose!}, 0 full night sleeps, 1 new story written {my next children's picture book}, a few too many toddler-tantrums, a zillion "I-love-you's", 1 website built, 1 song written/composed and 3 tanks of petrol in my car. 

I hope your Autumn has been wonderful.

Winter is starting to make a debut....I can feel it in the air. Winter PJ's are being dug out and the windows are getting shut at dusk. I'm trying to load us all up on extra vitamin C and healthy-packed dinners to scare off any nasty winter bugs. I DO NOT want a repeat of last year! C'Mon immune system - you can do this!

Back to school next week. Ugh. I kinda like having her home. The house is going to be so quiet next week!

Happy Holidaying....

14/52

{A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2013}

Ryder: One his favourite things to do at the moment - whizz around the house, full speed ahead; feet pattering along the tiles and the plastic wheels rumbling as they roll.

Ella: On top of 'Elephant Rock' admiring the beach views. Completely unimpressed that I had my camera out {again} - wanting to get back to exploring.

Joining in with Jodi.

*****You must check out Dee's awesome weekly family portraits. Her photos always make her smile. Such a beautiful family {and blog}. {Dee from dee*construction}*****

Hope you all had a fab weekend.

Yesterday....

Yesterday, was a special day.

We did something that we rarely do, something that would normally make me feel guilty, something that was VERY MUCH needed right now.

Ella went to one set of Grandparents for a couple of days, and I dropped Ryder at the other Grandparent's house for the whole of the day.

Chris and I had a day 'off'......all to ourselves!

We cruised around in his car, just the two of us - like the old days, but now with a few more wrinkles, responsibilities and bagged eyes. We laughed and chatted. We had massages {which hurt like hell - my back was a mess of tension knots and nerve pains} and I indulged in a mani/pedi session too. We dined slowly at a restaurant for lunch and simply enjoyed taking our time. We came home to a silent house and relaxed. It was BLISS. Pure bliss. 

Normally, I'd feel guilty to do this --> to be child-free and spend the whole day indulging. But this time, I did not let myself feel this way! Who would've thought?! These emotions can be controlled?!

Lately, I've been feeling so exhausted - mentally drained.....and I'm now realising it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to raise the red flag every now and then, and it's ok to have the odd day off from parenting and work and home-life.

I picked Ryder up from my parent's house after his dinner and bath, and basked in the refreshing mindset that a simple 'day off' had given me.

A perfect day! And I'm feeling VERY grateful to 'Grandparents' right now.

Have a good Tuesday All.