Unsettled.
Thursday, September 13, 2012 at 9:45AM 
Lately, well actually for most of this year, I've felt unsettled.
I'm happy. I have a wonderful life, full of amazing opportunities, love, family & support. Everything I need {plus more} is at my fingertips. I have hopes & dreams & ideals. I'm thankful. And not a day goes by where I don't pinch myself with gratitude.
But, I feel really undefined of my current status & the direction I want the next few years to go.
I've always worked. From the day I was old enough to have a job {14 yrs & 9 months}, I've had some sort of paid work. During high school, I worked casually as a 'checkout chick' at Woolworths. On graduating high school and commencing university; I worked part time at Target {as the refunds/reception lady} and night shifts as a waitress at an Italian Restaurant. I worked at these places until 2 weeks before I started fulltime teaching after graduating from my degree. On top of that I always took on contract work when money was needed - data entry work, promotion girl modeling or answering phones for friend's parent's businesses. And even once I started teaching fulltime, I still dabbled with other money-making endeavours on the side - making & selling jewellery, online data entry & hey, I was even an Avon Lady at one stage; to help support us when Chris's income decreased when he embarked on a 6month fulltime triathalon training period.
I had one year off work after Ella was born. I did not work for 12 whole months. It was lovely. I was paid 6 months Maternity Pay which helped of course. But for a whole year, I felt settled and content. I knew I was returning to teaching when Ella turned one, so I never had a feeling of wonder or worry.
Ryder is nearing one. I've had almost 12 months off from work {teaching} again. I have to make a decision - WHAT WILL I DO NEXT YEAR?? I have a million voices, suggestions & ideas going through my head. I have to consider money, daycare, routines, balance, teaching partners, family life as well as my own dreams, desires & goals.
And I think that's why I have felt so unsettled this year. I could never find a slot to put myself in. Am I a stay-at-home-Mum? Am I a work-from-home-Mum? Am I a teacher on maternity leave? I keep swinging from these statuses and it's leaving me feeling really undefined. Should ALL my focus be on me as a Mum, while I'm home & on leave? Or should it be scattered around being a mum whilst making some money & building a business? Or should it be about enjoying this year, not worrying about earning, and then returning to teaching next year? With 4 months left of the year, I still have no idea!!!
I thought I'd be able to build up my business this year, while being at home with the kids. And to some degree I have. I enjoy doing what I do. I'm a creative soul, who ALWAYS {and probably always will} load my plate high. And it provides a sufficient little extra income for our family, which is a bonus. However, I was naive to think I can do as much as I had planned around a baby's nap time {which is never very long} whilst having a 4 year old in tow {except her 2 days/week Kindy}. It's hard. While baby is awake, I want to play with him, take him out and generally 'be with him'. When he's asleep, I have a house to tidy, meals to cook, beds to make, washing to fold, and a 4 yr to play with. So I work in the evenings. And then go to bed late, get broken sleep....and then do it all again the next day. I can't 'work' {create, design, email, write, print, package etc} during tiny baby nap sessions & make a sufficient income from it. Something has to give. Something has to change. Coz there's no consistency, and I think that's the main source making me feel unsettled. I want too much for myself, for my family. Maybe I'm trying to achieve too many goals?
I'm not complaining. As I said. I'm really happy. I'm just nutting out, in words, the confusion & contradictions that are going through my head.
I have this amazing husband who supports whatever I do. He provides the money and/or resources for me to chase my dreams. And he has said, he will support whatever I choose for next year, and the future.
So, why the hell am I felling so unsettled, so undefined? Maybe it's because I'm not earning a consistent/regular income to contribute to our day-to-day lives, and that's foreign to me? Maybe it's because I know the opportunity to be home, with little ones, is a short fleeting period....one I don't want to miss or regret missing. And possibly the fact that my firstborn starts fulltime school next year is having some little effects on my heartstrings. I just feel like I have SO many dreams for my own lifetime, and just not enough time to do them all. Crazy eh?!
Maybe I just over think??
So....last month, I really thought about my status. I decided that right now, I'm a STAY AT HOME MUM. That's it. ........ Yes, I run a little business {which is timely} but I have control over how much time I put into it, and how much money I earn from it. And yes I blog {which is VERY timely} but it's something I truly love doing - for me, for my family. And yes, I'm half way through a children's chapter book, which I said woiuld be complete by the end of the year.....ummm....not likely. And yes, there's a big chance I'll return to some part time teaching next year - but right now, I just need to ENJOY being at home with my kids and seep it for everything it's worth, while it lasts. Instead of putting pressure on myself to do more, be more, earn more! Instead of feeling annoyed that I haven't achieved everything I planned to this year. Instead of feeling unearthed & in limbo with my status and current position.
This is an example of where 'care-free-Claire' clashes with the 'over-think-and-analyse-the-beejeesus-out-of-everything-Claire'.
However.... if this year would just slow the heck down, that would help. It's mid-September for goodness sake!!!! C'Mon....surely this has been the world's quickest year??!!!
I love these 2 little balls of energy & life.
Have you ever felt undefined with what you are? {{If that makes sense?}}
Reader Comments (9)
Claire you put my thoughts into words, everything you wrote is exactly what I'm going through (except Lee never did a triathlon LOL - wow Chris dedication. WELL DONE). I have no answers either, and my goal driven impatience sometimes takes over and stresses me out, pressure to make a decision and make something happen. Tugging in contrast of course with relaxing and enjoying being a Mum....
Such a balancing act, but I'm sure whatever you decide your dreams will all come true; and I do very much look forward to hearing more of this childrens book!
I say enjoy being home with your babes Claire! You've done all the rest and you will be able to do all the rest in the years to come. Right now...in this moment...enjoy your 'stay at home mum' status and wear it proud!!!! You are very lucky and they are very lucky to have you!
I too feel like I need to define myself with a title and couldn't quite get what that is, but I'm learning to realise that I do wear a lot of hats and that's ok. I went to the artful business conference last week and that really helped me to realise that I don't need to confine myself, I can do whatever I please (and cross fingers an income trickles in) and whatever I set my mind to. I'd be soaking up as much time as possible with the bubbas if I were you ;) those opportunities come but once!
Claire, I really understand where you're coming from and what you're battling with in your head... so many goals and aspirations and so little time!! It's hard trying to balance everything we want to achieve whilst giving 110%to our kids and as you say, with the mammoth task of running a household too... time SO needs to slow down. I'm freaking out that this year is almost gone and I haven't achieved half of what I'd hoped or balanced things the way I'd hoped to. You're an awesome 'stay at home Mum' Claire and your two are lucky to have you xx
I so hear you! And what you are saying :)
And I dont have any answers as yet either....but I am learning to let it go and enjoy. I need that time with family at the moment and everything else will be ok!
Great how you are nutting it out and trying to work through being unsettled yet still very happy.
LOVING this post..! I feel very unsettled at the moment! I have just moved in with my boyfriend (im 27, he's 30 and we've been dating since may last year) and quit my job now I'm looking for a new job and to get settled in a new community and in the next few years we want to settle down, get married and start having children. He hasn't asked me for rent on the house he owns (its a brand new house that he had built on some land that his parents gave him -its surrounded by his family vineyards, its beautiful) he hasn't put any pressure on me to get a new job but I need to work as I will go crazy sitting at home in an empty house with no kids or pets.. and recently I have complained about him not spending enough time with me while I settle in. He works shift work and he is also making furniture for people in his "spare" time -busy guy! He said when im happy he's happy. People would love the position im in.. but Im bored and lonely -he is even taking me away for a special weekend away just so we can spend time together! I need to stop acting like a spoilt child and get on with it, get involved and find some work! As there is only so much cleaning and cooking I can do..! ENJOY being a stay at home Mum. I'd love to be in your position! I realise its a lot of work but im sure those gorgeous babies are worth it! They say its the hardest job in the world raising children but its also the most rewarding and you will look back on it as the best time of your life (people with grown up children have told me that!) :)
I think it is very normal to have these feelings. As we get older we go through different stages of our lives and we have different thoughts, ideas, dreams and goals.
It is sometimes hard to know what to do as we can not see the future and we can not know how our decisions will effect our lives next week, next month or next year.
Since I had my daughter 12 years ago I have only ever worked part time (usually 3 days a week). I promised myself that once I became a mum I would not work full time anymore as I was scared that if I did continue to work 5 days a week there would never be enough time to spend with my child. I did not want her to feel my going to work was ever more important than being with her.
I weighed up all the pros and cons. I wrote a list of what I did want and what I did not want. I feel comfortable with how my weekly routine works and how much time I give to my job, my family, my friends, my hobbies etc... It can be hard and take some time to work out the right balance. There are a lot of different things to consider and think about.
Being a mum is such an important job and our children are only small for such a short time. I hope you come to the right decision for you and your family and you feel happy and confident with what you future holds. Always wishing you the best :)
I can so resonate with this post...I have been feeling much the same lately. Wondering some days if I should be making my time at home more productive and on the other hand feeling like I should be soaking up each moment as a sahm...both the good and the bad. A believer in what is meant to be will be and when it comes time to dive back into the world of working I will know what it is I would like to do. Thanks for posting such true words. I'm sure most of us can relate to those unsettled feelings at one time or another.
Hi Claire, I'm feeling a bit the same at the moment. So many things I want to do and not enough time! I feel like I am not doing everything to my best ability and that stresses out the perfectionist in me! I am just enjoying this time with Noah as he is my last baby so I am savouring all these moments. I am keeping the prints biz ticking over quietly, not wanting to let it go but not enough time to devote to it either. Hope you feel settled with your decision and can just enjoy the moment xx