No More Babies.
Saturday, June 2, 2012 at 9:18PM 
{photo taken during my Maternity Shoot last year}
2009 was an up-turning year for us. We hit rock bottom in several ways - financially, emotionally & spiritually. Sooooo many things happened in 2009. Not all bad, but not all good either. Chris & I had to really search deep for meaning & reason, and we had to lean on the scaffold of our marriage to get through the year. I believe a lot of the 'events of 2009' happened for a reason, and we learnt so much as it all unfolded. We grew as individuals & as a couple as we reflected back on the crazy year, and embraced 2010 with gratitude & hope.
15yr old Ebony lived with us for the majority of 2009. And although it was something we always subconsciously wanted {to have Chris's first borns living under our roof or at least closer than 2 States away}, the circumstances were not ideal and a lot of learning, growing, forgiving, mistakes & grief was experienced.
I remember things getting really prickly when Ella was around the 15-18month mark {mid 2009}. She was going through a rough 'toddler' stage {and probably feeding off of the tension in our lives}. Her sleeping was haywire, I was rocking up to work each day so sleep deprived. She wasn't {and has never been} much of a tantrum thrower but she was going through a people anxiety phase & a Mummy separation phase when I went to work each morning. Her eating was getting fussy. She seemed to cry A LOT. It was tough.
And on one particular night, quite late, whilst Ella was battling a bout of Tonsillitis and was refusing sleep, we drove around our suburb in the hope to calm her to a lull. But she cried. And cried. On top of everything we were dealing with at that moment, it all felt a little too hard. And through tensed lips & a hurting heart, Chris comes out with this "That's it....we are having NO MORE BABIES!! This is it Claire!!!!"
We spoke more about it and I could see why Chris had said it, and as hurt as I was....I still kinda understood. He was already a Father to 3, and at present...parenthood was proving hard bloody work. But.....yes.....the glass-is-half-full girl {me} could see pass the present time & still had my values & dreams in place. Being a Mother was ALWAYS a dream of mine. Being a Mother of 2, was the ultimate!!!!
Over the next few weeks/months, I thought A LOT about the notion of us not having any more kids. I thought about what that meant for me, for Ella, for our family! I was so grateful to already have a beautiful baby girl but I was gutted at the thought of that being it for us. I had always imagined....just one more. But, over those next few months, I accepted the concept and looked at all the positives. I gradually became 'ok' with it, and moved on with my train of thought, my dreams & my plans for the future.
2009 rolled on. Changes happened. Happiness started to creep back in. Calm reemerged into our lives. 2010 greeted us & we started it with a bang. Things started to look up. Life continued and our love conquered all :)
Six months on, on a Saturday evening, Chris casually tells me that he would love nothing more than to bring another child into the world with me and he regrets saying otherwise all those months prior. Too scared to get my hopes up, I ignored the topic. He then brought it up a week later after we visited his sister in the hospital with her newborn :) And we talked more about it. To say my heart was jumping with extreme excitement & happiness is an understatement. I felt complete.
And then, in a cruel twist of fate, we fell pregnant within a month....and lost the pregnancy & half of my reproductive system. I thought the universe was talking to me....laughing at me. I thought that Chris would see this as a sign. But he was just as shattered as me, and just as keen to move on.
Six months later, we fell pregnant with Ryder.....and the rest was....well, history :)
Now...with 4 kids under our belt. 2 under our roof, but 4 that we're emotionally & financially responsible for, I'm pretty confident to say we're done in the baby-making industry. I'm happy, and blessed & feel VERY complete with my delicious little family.
A family that was meant to be.
How many kids do you have, or plan to have?
Do you and your partner agree on the topic of kids & quantities?
Reader Comments (6)
Hi,
I have been reading your blog for awhile but have never posted but this was just one I could not NOT respond to. I have had three children, two boys and a little girl. I have always wanted three children it was just something that I always wanted. I don't know why maybe it was because I have had fantastic sibling relationships and inturn wanted that for my children. Unfortunately my first born passed away after a few hours. I then went onto to have two more children in quick succession the last being a 'accident'....the best, cutest and most beautiful accident in the world. I love my children, like all mothers, with all of my heart.
After much soul searching and getting myself ready both phyically and mentally, my husband and I finally started trying for our last installment. We were very excited when I did fall pregnant and we were on our way to our 'complete' family. Our two children were waitied in anticipation to see the first photo of their new brother/sister at the 12 week scan.
Sadly we were told at the scan that our darling little one had no heartbeat. So we hit rock bottom, again. A different rock bottom then when we lost our first born but still rock bottom.
I don't know if I can do it again...I want to have my dream little family but emotionally I think I am done and well physically too. Sometimes, the dreams you have don't eventuate....my husband and I have decided that our darling two we have here will be it and as much as it breaks my heart I have to remind myself that I have had my 3 children I always wanted and hope with all my heart that my two little ones grown up to be the firm friends they are now and will stick by eachother no matter what just like the fantastic sibling relationships that I have and am so proud of.
Thanks for letting me read your blog...you are making me want to start.
Sorry about the blahing!!!
Georgie
We can definitely relate to what you've written above :) Our family is complete with our two girls. I can easily see how Chris thought he didn't want to try for more children - we've had similar scenarios here in the past. But, I'm glad now that we have our precious little Sophie with us just as your family is now complete with Ryder x
I too have been following your blog for sometime, but this is my first time to comment because I can totally relate. I always wanted three babies. When we had our girl and son I knew our family was not complete, so I was beyond excited when I discovered I was pregnant with our third baby. I had a dream pregnancy, suffered only a few headaches - everything was perfect. I had the most peaceful (?), drug free delivery and came home from hospital a short three hours after she was born. I could not have been happier - our perfect family was complete! Then when our baby was roughly six weeks old I was tired, really tired - my eyes could hardly focus and everything bugged me - so I went off to the optometrist to get new glasses. Long story short and after many medical appointments, when my baby was now eight weeks old and on my sons 4th birthday I heard the words "you have a brain tumor, and its serious". My world fell apart. I faced a living nightmare, cried more tears than ever and for the first time ever, I just didn't want to get out of bed. But I had to, I had my baby and kids to look after. Exactly two weeks later I was wheeled into the operating theatre, and after writing all my goodbye letters and having planned my babies first birthday, I was prepared to face whatever my outcome was. Obviously all was okay, I survived BUT it took along time to get my brain back in order. I hated loud noises, couldn't make good judgements (crossing a road was beyond scary). My mother in law came from overseas to care for my kids, while I recovered at my parents. I saw my kids daily, but sadly I hated the noise they made so my visits were short! I always felt robbed of those months with my baby girl, I remember very little of her being a baby, or even her first year. I had and still have a guilt that I wasn't there for her. So, when we discovered I was pregnant again, I felt like this was my chance to be a real mum. I have loved every single minute of being with my baby boy, and more so have loved being at home with my Miss Four .. I feel like I have caught up on our time lost. I know our family is complete, and I am happy, beyond happy infact. My family is perfectly complete.
Claire, this whole baby thing isn't as simple as I thought it would be. I took it as a given that when I chose to be ready it would work out. I'm already a stepmother to a 17 year old (who has chosen not to live with us), but we still see her. But perhaps selfishly I would like a baby of our own. I say selfishly as I think that it probably isn't fair on Rob as he is older than me. But anyway with some joking we decided late last year to try. I got pregnant right away. At our first scan we both realised just how excited we were when we saw that tiny bean with a heartbeat. But sadly at our second scan (at what I thought was 9 weeks) we found out in the obstetrician's office that our baby had stopped developing at about 8 weeks and there was no longer a heart beat. I chose to have a d and c the next day. I didn't experience cramps or bleeding, just a loss of those pregnancy symptoms (nausea, tiredness, etc). What I would have given to have them back.
I have chosen not to write about it on my blog yet. I have read your post about your lost pregnancy, and it helped to see how others get through it. But we hadn't told many people we were even trying or pregnant, and most people still don't know what happened. I just didn't think I could deal with people's questions or the constant are you pregnant yet? queries. Maybe one day I will, as I owe it to others who have gone through it or may go through it in the future, as it is a unique grief.
After waiting a few months (on our doctors advice) we are now trying again. But I admit to having a lot of fear about it all now. I keep tossing up if we do get pregnant, if I will refuse to have an early scan, as I found it so upsetting to see the baby alive on the first scan and then not in the second. In the weeks afterwards if I closed my eyes the image was burned into my brain and I found that the most upsetting part.
Thanks Claire, thanks for allowing your readers to share, it does heal.
We have two, after getting pregnant by accident when we where just 17 our happy lives started to fall apart at 21 when our relationship hit a massive rock, at the same time we had to move from the place we called home for 3 years, he moved us into my parents & he went to live with his dad, After much thinking with my head not my heart I told him to decided, us as a family or nothing, he choose us & we moved into our now home. We didn't talk about having another baby but it had always been at the back of my mind falling pregnant again with our second was fantastic. I feel our family is almost complete I would totally go for just one more especially to see if its a boy.
x
Hi there
I have read your blog for the last few months but not often left comments.
My husband and I have one daughter who just turned 12 years old. We feel very lucky to be parents as we took 4 years to conceive her. We got married in 1996 and a year later I fell pregnant, I had a miscarriage and we both felt angry and heartbroken. We kept trying and took another year to fall pregnant a second time. Unfortunately a second miscarriage occured and once again we felt angry and heartbroken.
I was sure we would become parents one day so we never gave up on the idea. Thankfully for us it was third time lucky and our precious daughter was born in May 2000.
We did not know at the time when we got married that we both had fertility issues which was making it hard to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy. After the second miscarriage we decided to seek some medical advice, have some tests and do some research. I truely believe the only reason we have our daughter is because of the support and medical treatment we received from a wonderful natropath who was a specialist in fertility problems.
Everyday our daughter brings happiness into our lives, we feel so lucky to have her. She is very special to us but I will never forget the two other babies which we lost.