Sleep.
Saturday, October 27, 2012 at 7:05AM I broke last night. Somewhere around 8pm. That kind of 'break' where you are filled with so much emotion, that the only outlet is to simply cry. A big heaving, hard-to-catch-a-breath cry. I gave Ryder to Chris, went into the shower, had a massive cry and tried to wash away all the frustration and annoyance I was feeling. And just as I pulled myself together, regained some composure and was about to head downstairs to attend to the sleepless baby..... the four year old appears from her room. "I can't sleep Mummy. My tummy is sore!" Great! Just Great!
And I became that Mother that I don't like being. The Mother who I try to never be {or at the least...very rarely}. I snapped. Roused at her. Put the weight of the world on her shoulders by telling her that I was exhausted and annoyed and needed a break. I took her back to bed, sat with her for a few minutes; a ball of emotions boiling inside me; fury mixed with exhaustion mixed with guilt.
She fell asleep quickly. Thank god. Now to attend to the baby.
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Earlier that evening, I could feel the hope that Friday's bring. Friday nights are always worth celebrating whether you're a fulltime worker or a fulltime parent. I try to start the weekend off grandly each week. We usually do something a little special at the 3pm Kindy pickup - a play at the park, a milkshake date, a catch up with a friend, a swim in the pool, a nature walk - just something that says "Yeah, the weekend is here. Let's unwind!"
I bought a bottle of red and a sneaky bottle of champers. Cooked a fairly easy yet nutritious dinner, and had everything and everyone cleaned by 6pm. A pop over to the neighbours to say Hi and Happy Birthday and then home to slow down, quieten and get the kids into bed.
Even though I don't 'go to a workplace', I still get that thank-god-its-Friday feel each week. I naively envision our Friday evenings looking slow and warm. Maybe some writing, maybe some TV. A few drinks, adult conversation just Chris & I and music...always music. I say 'naively' because who am I kidding? We have two youngens. One which is currently going through a SHOCKING sleep stage. Yes, teething is the driving force here....but still frustrating and tiring.
6:40pm - Ryder asleep and tucked up in his cot. TICK! Kitchen cleaned, house tidy. TICK! Lights dimmed, Friday evening joy creeping in. TICK!
7:20pm - Ella in bed after a long busy week. Books read, song sung, smothered in kisses and love. TICK!
7:40pm - Champers opened, strawberries cut. Time to sit, relax and just BE!
7:42pm - Ryder wakes screaming, and refusing to go back to sleep.
Cue breakdown cry from Mumma.
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I know this whine probably sounds ungrateful and ignorant. And will fall onto deaf ears for some. I try not to complain much - this blog is usually a positive place to be. My journal of gratitude and happy moments. There are Mothers out there who would do anything to have a sleepless child. Mothers who have lost a child, women who are trying to conceive & can't, single girls aching to be a mother. I know. And I hate how whiney & ungrateful this post sounds, but I've got to get it out.
And I am very aware of the beautiful life I live. I never take that for granted. I have an abundance of good things and good people around me. I'm lucky. I love being a Mother. More than anything. I do.
But, sometimes, the lack of sleep and the lack of 'me-time' gets to this weary Mumma. I don't get a break. I always have a child or children attached to me. When I shower, when I drive, when I shop, when I eat, when I wee, when I sleep, when I work and.....even when it's Friday night and all I want to do is sit and breathe.
I know, like everything in life and in parenting, it's a stage. It will pass. One day my kids will be grown and I'll probably yearn for these nights of prolonged cuddling and rocking and crying. But last night, last night...I just wanted a break. Just an hour or 2, would've been welcomed.
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I sculled my champagne and did not enjoy it one bit. Ryder finally passed out around 9:20pm and I too went to bed feeling completely deflated and wiped out.
An hour later, he woke, screaming....and the night continued like that!!!!!
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I messaged back and forth with my friend Kirsty who is going through a similar sleep-deprived state. Thank goodness for friends who know EXACTLY what it's like and can simply understand without judgement or thought, how contradicting motherhood can be - so blissful yet so torturous.
Today is a new day, and we'll roll with the punches and get on with it.
One day sleep will return. Surely. I'm hanging on to that thought!
Print available in my store.
Are you a Mother who can relate?
Thanks for listening as I vent. Rant over :)
P.S. Quite a few of you lovely readers have asked me in comments or emails, why we haven't implemented a controlled crying program with our sleepless children/babies. I love hearing from you, with your ideas and stories of success, I do. We are not anti-crying methods, in fact, I take my hat off to parents who have a plan - stick with it - and get sleep as a result. But, Chris and I, as a team, are no good at the crying methods. I hit a breaking point with Ella's sleep at around this age of Ryder, and after reading every 'get your baby to sleep' book I was set on a doing a 'cry it out' plan. 3 minutes into it, something terrible happened, she ended up in hospital. Never again! So, until Ryder is old enough {only took Ella 4 yrs....haaaa} to sleep better....and on his own. We have to accept that lack of sleep is a part of our lives. Until then, please just let me whinge and cry. I try not to do it too often :) HAAA!
Reader Comments (13)
Hugs. Sleep deprivation is just the worst. I have been known to cry some mornings I am just so tired. Like you we just accept lack of sleep is part of our life, I know it changes for the better as they get older. Our 6 month old is keeping me up lately but he is our last so I am savouring it in a way. The only magic word I have for you is ................. chocolate and lots of it!!!!! Lately I have even been driving through for a double strength hot chocolate after school drop off, only trouble is my pre-schooler wants to share!!! You are a beautiful Mama, keep smiling. xxxxx
I often wonder how you manage being woken up so often. Don't feel bad at having a whinge, we are all sometimes the kind of mother we don't want to be ! You are a great mother ! X
I here you Claire. I almost lost my shit at 2.30 this morning!
Don't blame you on the controlled crying busines. I used my own method which involved more cuddles then crying. But worked eventually.
They all sleep in there own time xx
I hear you and feel your pain. Toby is going through a terrible time teething at the moment and I am
running on empty with very little sleeo. I had one of thise emotionak moments the other day. Hopefully the sleep fairy visits us all tonight. xx
Don't feel bad. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't snap every now and then. Sometimes a big cry in the shower is just what you need. I do it often, I know! I can't imagine how hard a non-sleeper would be, I find it hard enough with the ones that do sleep - how whiney is that! Hugs to you, hope tonight is a better one.
Sleep (or lack of) was my daughters biggest problem when she was younger. She was easy to get to sleep after having her night time feed but very hard to keep asleep for long periods of time. I tried everything but no matter what she just never wanted to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time.
Sleep deprevation is dreadfully hard to cope with. I know how you feel and I am sorry for all the mothers who go through this.
Even now with my daughter being 12 years old I can still remember many nights I spent hours holding her in my arms, patting her back, softly singing to her and praying she would want to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time.
It wasn't until she started attending kindy that she really started to sleep through the night on a regular basis. I often cried in the shower and am sure lots of mothers do the same. Crying is a natural way for us to release stress and frustration. I do hope Ryder's sleep patterns improve ASAP. I know it is not easy being tired everyday. Good luck :)
Oh Susan, thank you
For your comment. It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this sleepless journey. I know sleep will come one day & I'm holding onto that hope. But for now, a good cry in the shower helps :))))
I love hearing your stories about your daughter.
Xx
Thank you Jodi! I'm so relieved I'm not the only one who has a good cry in the shower :))))
Xx
Oh Jo, I hope Toby's sleep calms down again soon. I know how hard it is to get no sleep & then rock up to work the next day & be on the ball & energetic for 28 other children. HARD!!!! Hang in there too. Xx
Shelley,
2:30am hey? Yep, I've lost my shit around that time before too. Sleepless babies (or kids i should say) are just so tiring!!!! It's amazing though that you can be so in love with this little child but so frustrated at the same time! Oh the joys :)))) xx
Thank you so much Yvonne!
Most of the time I cope & function on very little sleep but lately it's just taking its toll on me. Glad I can come here to my little safe online place & vent. Thanks for listening & understanding :)
Xx
Thank you Simone!
You're comment made me smile - reminded me that I'm not alone with this sleepless / exhausted journey that comes with motherhood :) chocolate & coffee are my biggest addictions since becoming a mummy haaa :)))
Wishing you great sleep luck too xx
Oh Claire, you poor Mama, if only I lived closer I would come over with a big block of chocolate for you and a big hug :( The shower is a great place for a cry when needed, such a release from all the build up stress and exhaustion. I really feel for you, broken sleep makes things so much harder to deal with. Don't feel bad for snapping, you are a WONDERFUL Mum, don't forget it!!
I hear you on the not having a moment's peave front... I lost it the other day when I nipped quickly into the toilet only to have Sophie decide to be clingy and Grace wanted my attention at the exact same moment... I screamed 'Can't you two just let me go to the toilet in peace!!" ... only I said it with a few less diplomatic words thrown in :)
I really hope Ryder has some longer stretches of sleep soon and remember, message me any time you want to vent... I'm three hous behind you guys in time here in WA...