Love....Loss....Pain!.....{another life experience gained}
Sunday, August 1, 2010 at 8:48PM 
{Photo created & taken by Tara Rose in Canada ~ each unique flower represents the born & unborn children in our lives}
Some of you may or may not have noticed that my posts have been a little 'fewer' over the past 5 days and I haven't done some of my usual weekly postings! I was missing from the online world & out of contact for about 24 hours. I then had internet connection again but didn't have the right words to explain what was going on in my life! On Thursday night I blogged here about being in hospital. I didn't want to be cryptic or secretive....but at that stage, I was unsure of exactly what was going on & what was going to happen!
Several days later....and I'm home! VERY sore, sorry & sad.....but so happy to be home with my 2 loves ~ my husband Chris & daughter Ella :)
Why was I in hospital? Well.....here's my story!! I'm not a secretive person, I'm not ashamed, I'm not embarrassed & I'm not looking for sympathy! I'm simply sharing my story......my life experience....maybe you can relate, maybe you've been through this too....if so, I'd love to hear from you!
About 8 weeks ago I had some minor health issues ~ abdomianl pains & a late period. After blood tests and an ultrasound, it was revealed that I had some 'masses' on my left ovary which we decribed to me as cysts and the pain was caused by some of them bursting and fluid being trapped. I was told that these type of cysts were normal in females and that as my cycle gets back on track......the pain will go away! And....it did! A week later, I was pain free & my cycle seemed to be back on track!!
UNTIL....last Monday, I had some bleeding & stomach cramps, by Tuesday night they were a lot more prominent. By midday Wednesday I was told to leave work & headed straight to the hospital. The pains were severe and I just knew in my heart they weren't 'normal'....something was wrong! I've always thought I had a pretty high pain threshold.....but these were BAD and taking my breath away! I rung Chris as I left work in tears.....tears of pain and tears of fear!!
At the hospital, I really thought they'd tell me it was ovarian cysts again and I'd be fine! I was still assuming I'd be home in time to pick Ella up from daycare at 4pm! How wrong was I?
After a shot of morphine for the pain, a blood test and a lot of waiting around in the emergency ward....I was called in again by the Doctor. He sat me down & asked if there was any chance I thought I could be pregnant....."yeah of course" I replied. "Hubby & I have been planning baby number 2" I was filled with hope & excitement as I answered him. 'Well...your bloods show that you are pregnant" he said with doubt in his eyes!! "But, your levels are so low which means a few possibilities....however, along with the pain & bleeding, we're thinking it's a very early pregnancy or a possible ectopic" I shivered at that word!
I was whisked off to have an ultrasound and an internal exam. Even in the scan, I had 3 practitioners staring at the screen, discussing, conspiring, wondering, questioning, theorising! I was so confused & still left with all these unknowns!!
30 mins later, the Doctor broke the news to me. "Your scan shows that there is no pregnancy in the uterus but a definite mass in the left ovarian tube" "You will have undergo surgery to remove it".
I rung Chris....in tears! And then the worry about other things hit me.....Ella's at daycare, I have her carseat in my car here at the hospital, I have to work tomorrow, Chris has a work function tonight, is there any milk in the fridge? etc etc!!!! Chris calmed me down over the phone....he had it all under control.....he'd cancelled his work function, he had walked up to daycare & Ella was home eating pizza & in her pj's, my work had organised a replacement for me, milk had been purchased.....I had to just breathe and focus on ME!
With Chris being tied to home with Ella, he called in my best friend to come to my rescue. She came in to the hospital & brought me clean clothes, DVD's, magazines & chocolate! She sat with me in the emergency bed til 10pm that night, just chatting with me, laughing with me, hearing me vent....just being there for me!
At 2:30am I was finally taken to the ward beds.
At 6:30am {Thursday} I was told I needed to prep for surgery. It was all happening so quickly....I hadn't let it all sink in yet, I hadn't digested that this was the fate of our baby, I hadn't seen Chris or Ella in 24 hours....it just felt like a bad dream! But....the stockings & gown came on, the papers were signed & I was about to be wheeled down to surgery! About 6 Doctor's & surgeons appeared in front of me in their scrubs....."Claire, we've re-looked at your scans and tests and we would like to wait another 24hours before we operate" I was shocked....what the? What was going on?
Basically....they were now thinking that there was a slight chance that the pregnancy was 'normal & healthy' in the uterus, but very early days so it wasn't showing up in the scans....and the mass, pain & blood was a cyst??? They didn't want to put me to sleep & operate when there was a chance that things were going along healthily!!! Another blood test 24hrs later would indicate all of this....as healthy pregnancy hormones increase daily!!
So....I had to ring all my family & friends and let them know that surgery wasn't happening today! My parents are currently traveling in the UK so there was a lot of anxious comms back & forth with them over skype & email & emergency calls to the hospital! On the up side...I got to see Chris & Ella...they came in to visit for a couple of hours which brightened my day!! Ella then went off to Chris's parents for the night, so Chris could come & be with me for a few more hours in the evening.
Thursday night was looooong. I wasn't allowed to eat.....not even drink! I had a constant drip in me, which I had to lug around with me everywhere. I was anxious, sad, scared & frankly quite over being in that hospital room!!
Friday morning...I had the blood test! Chris came back to visit & lay with me. We spent the whole day waiting....wondering....trying to be optimistic but not geyting our hopes up too much!
Friday afternoon Chris headed home to get some work done and get Ella. I was then told that the blood tests revealed that my pregnancy levels were dropping which meant a 'failed pregnancy' :( Being on the emergency list for the operation meant I didn't have a scheduled time slot....it would just be 'soon'. And of course...just as Ella & Chris walked in to visit at 4:30pm...I was taken off to surgery!
As I got down to the surgery wards, an emergency caesarian was pushed in front of me. I had to wait another hour or so! By now I had had 12 needles in me since Wednesday lunchtime, I was very emotional and just wanted it to be OVER!
Finally....at 9pm, I woke from the surgery! The surgeon explained that they had removed the ectopic pregnancy & my left fallopian tube. However, my right side was healthy & untouched and still in perfect function for future pregnancies. They then told me that my mother had called several times from England :))
I didn't sleep much that night! I dozed on & off from the after effects of the anesthetic, but it wasn't quality sleep. I had chest pains and tummy pains and a shocking headache.
Saturday morning, Chris & Ella returned along with my best friend. We were entertained by Miss Ella's antics....that's always a winner to buy the time!
By Saturday evening, I was home!! I had 3x keyhole surgery in my stomach and I think recovery will take slightly longer than I originally thought! It's now Sunday night and I am still in a lot of pain and very weak. Thank goodness for my beautiful husband who has not only kept our household stable but he has continued to do it all. He's cooking, he's shopping, he's cleaning, he's entertaining Ella while I rest & he's keeping up the humour to keep me smiling & sane :)
I feel sad. I have a small hole of loss in my heart now. I feel pain....emotional & physical. But, I feel grateful for the wonderful family & friends in my life. The support I received while going through this was AMAZING! I am surrounded by positive, loving people and that makes me feel so safe! I feel hopeful that things will be ok. I have an acceptance that things happen for a reason....and it will all turn out for the best one day! I've learnt that I was lucky.....it could've been a lot worse! I've had that reminder of the blessings I have in my life and not to take them for granted EVER!
And....I've been through yet another life experience that has made me learn, grow, discover, hurt, lose, love, cherish and.....HOPE!
{photo by Tara Rose}
Reader Comments (22)
Oh Claire, what a terrible time you have had:( So sorry for your loss, hope you feel stronger soon. Xx
What a beautiful post, Claire, you are such a strong lady being able to write about this so soon and straight from the heart. Things definately happen for a reason, I hope your physical recovery is quick. Thinking of you. Katena xx
I won't be taking life for granted either - especially when our bub cries all through the night with teething - we are blessed to have him. Love to you and yours, and so sorry for your loss. Sar xxx
Thank you for sharing Claire - Thinking of you and wish you and your lovely family the very best. Lots of virtual hugs to help yo through this time - Linda xx
Oh Claire, I had tears welling as I read your post. What an emotional week it has been for you and your family. You are indeed very brave to be able to share this whole experience so soon.
I hope you get lots of rest and tonnes of Ella hugs in the coming week. Thinking of you xx
Claire,
I am so so sorry for your loss.
Your strength amazes me and I am so proud to call you my sunny sista.
You have such a way of conveying your feelings, know that you will be helping many by sharing your story.
I wish you a speedy recovery, you truly are a ray of sunshine!
Love Stace x
PS Your poor mum must have been worried sick :(
Take care of YOU lovely laday and thanks for sharing with us!
How odd that I'm lost for words when you have just shared so many with us. My thoughts and prayers were with you and they still are. You are an incredible woman and obviously have an amazing outlook on life.
Take care.
BuBbles
x.
Beautiful Claire,
what an amazing and strong woman you are to have shared this with us. Thank you xx
Take time to grieve, to feel, to heal.
Having had two miscarriages myself I can empathise with some of what you are feeling...
It's a pain hard to describe isn't it hun?
Sending you hugs and love
xxx
Oh Claire, my heart goes out to you. What an emotional time you've been through.
Take time to grieve and heal. I know that will be easier because of Ella and Chris.
When Hope died it was Callan and Innes that kept me going.
Am thinking of you.
x
OMG, what an emotional road you have been down these past few days. I was in tearing while reading your story.
I just want you to know that you are a strong brave bubbly person who is always looking on the bright side of things. You are an inspiration to every one!!
You will get through this cause of your amazing husband and little princess.
Thinking of you all Claire.
Lots of love
x
so sorry to hear about your loss, sending you big hugs down your way,sounds like you are one lucky lady to have such a supportive hubby ,all the best with your recovery xxx
Thank you so much everyone! The support & love I've received from you all has been AMAZING!
I'm kind of lost for words after reading all your beautiful comments.....so THANK YOU xoxox
Oh Claire.....I too went through this.....they removed one of my tubes & about 4 months later I became pregnant with my 2nd daughter who was born on Christmas day. Her middle name is Hope :) thinking of you.....email me if you need to, Sarah XO
So sorry to hear this Claire. That is very sad. Sending lots of love. Lou.
So sorry for your loss Claire. Good to know you are surrounded by wonderful friends and family. I hope you are feeling better soon. Could you plant a tree to remember and acknowledge your loss?
Take care, Cat
Claire,
reading your blog brings back a flood of emotions for me.. as you know I have been through 2 losses and I know all too well about that little hole in your heart loosing a pregnancy can leave.
There are never the right words at a time like this I just want you to know I care so much about you and I am so SO glad that you are on the mend. I am so sorry for your loss and I will always be here if you need a shoulder to lean on.
I think it is amazing that you have shared your story... only a handful of people know about my losses...I wonder why that is that most of us keep it to ourselves? What you have done is so brave and sharing your story gives other women the chance to share theirs with you and others on your blog and gives them a new source for support so thank you so much!.
A life has been lost but never forgotten and you will find comfort in doing something for yourself to keep you connected to your angel baby. I have planted flowers, let go of balloons on the dates they were lost (the following years), I have pictures of the sky from the days the pregnancies came to an end and I have them framed in my home. You don't need to do something right away that will be a reminder when the pain is so fresh but when you are ready you can find something special that will be a celebration of the life lost but always loved. A good friend of mine has gone through some losses as well and after my last one she sent me think link to a site that is for infant & pregnancy loss awareness day and since then each year I have lit a candle on Oct 15th for my angels and the angels of those around me and it makes me feel a little better to know that people take the time to remember angel babies every where. Here is the link http://october15th.com/
As for HOPE... as hard as it is to think of in the moment.. there is always HOPE and I know you are a strong hopeful woman and you will find the light at the end of this journey. After my second loss I was pregnant with Logan one cycle later and when you are ready to try again I will be here to support you and when you fall pregnant again I will be more excited for you then humanly possible!
I wish I was closer so that I could give you a big hug and just sit and watch silly movies sip tea and find comfort in each others strength.
If there is ever anything I can do please ask.. you have always been a huge support in my life... it is about time I returned the favor.
Sending you Hope, Love, Laughter and Joy
-Tara-
xoxoxo
Claire I'm sorry you have had to endure such an experience in your life & I'm am very sorry for your loss, but out of anyone i know you have the absolute strength needed to get through this!!!
Love accompanied with loss always these us with HOPE!!!
Chris & Claire are doing a fantastic job looking after you & I'm thinking of you!
Love Sam xxoo
Claire, I had tears in my eyes during that post. Brings back the memories of my own miscarriage. Must have been so scary all the changing and not knowing! Thinking of you as you regain some strength and cling to the 'hope' that you have found. Those pictures are just beautiful.
emma
Oh my darling, I have been away from the land of blog as we have had visitors staying so I have only just been catching up on all my blogs... which means I have only just read what you have been going through!
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the awful few days you must have experienced whilst in hospital but I am relieved and SO pleased that the operation went well and will mean a full recovery for you Mumma Claire :)
Being blessed to have our first bubba on the way your words made me quite emotional... I cannot imagine what it must feel like. I know you will find the strength to get through this and I know your beautiful little Ella, and of course Chris, will play a huge role in this.
May the future be bright my dear.
Thinking of you.. much love...
Son xo
Lovely, brave, strong, generous, talented Claire, I too have been too long between blog catch ups, so I too, like Son, only just found out. I'm just so pleased you're home and recovering by now. What an ordeal. Ugh, you have all my sympathy. Rest up, look after yourself, and as I always say (and I do ALWAYS say this), "it could have been better, could have been worse". Onwards and upwards. xxx Lou
oh claire.. what a tough journey you've been through.. so sorry for you loss!!
its taken me about 3 hours to read this running between kids and computer and snacks etc... but so glad i did
you are truly an amazing person to be able to share this so soon and to be able to look at the positive of it straight away..
big big hugs to you all!!
xx
hi,
thanks for sharing your story, i had an ectopic pregnancy almost 7 years ago and thought i would never have another child, but 6 months later discovered i was pregnant with my now 61/2 year old son! I wish you all the very best with your new bub
sura x