As I watch you lay there, your chest contracting at a ridiculous rate, your skin is pale & almost blue, your eyes are dropping in & out of consciousness and you look clearly distressed....my heart breaks! It literally feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest & twisting it into knots! But....I have to take peace in knowing that we're in the best possible place - the Doctor's here are professional & trained - they won't let anything happen to you! I have to hang onto hope that you WILL be ok!! Seeing you like this, puts everything into perspective, it has woken me up to what really matters in life!
As the night hours tick on, I don't sleep, I don't take my eyes off you! I sit there stroking your hair, outlining your perfect little face with my fingertips! I constantly check the numbers on the machines in hope that they're in the range the Doctor's listed. The smell of the night nurse's coffee tempts me.....but I don't need caffeine to stay awake tonight....my body is running on pure anxiety, worry & fear!
You wake every hour while the nurse tries to administer your medication. You scream & fight & panic! I wish it could be me suffering.....I'd take this pain & discomfort 100times over, if it meant you never had to! I wish you could understand that the nurses & Doctor's are HELPING you.....but trust is something you will have to learn for yourself...it's a concept I can explain to you & try to embed in you.....but something you truly have to discover for yourself!
I look around the ward and see other sick children & sleep-deprived, worried parents. I hear a freshly born baby crying in the hall way! I think about the children that spend days, weeks, months...even years in hospital & I feel a massive wave of sadness. I'm also swamped with guilt! Guilty that I'm so worked up & so distressed about your condition which is already improving.....when there are children there suffering at a whole other level....and have been/will be for a long time!
But you are my world! You were made out of love! You contain parts of my soul....parts of Daddy's soul....you are my being! In just 2 short years of you entering my world, you have become EVERYTHING to me! As I watch you, cuddle you, kiss you and hold you, I smile that you're mine, that you're alive and you're on the mend! Being your Mummy is the most important, privileged, amazing achievement of my life!
Daddy & I love you Ella!! We can't wait to see you 100% well again! Thank God you're back home, asleep in your own bed & balancing out our anxiety, fear & worry with sheer enjoyment, happiness & relief!!
Tomorrow is a new day & you, our darling little girl, can get back to playing, singing, dancing & dreaming!